Domestic Violence

In the beginning, I was young…he was handsome. He said I was beautiful, smart, worthy of love…made me feel that way. And so we were married, walking joyfully together down a church aisle, our union blessed by God.

Then came the angry words…the verbal tearing apart…Now I was made to feel ugly, unintelligent, unworthy of any love, God's or man's.
Next came the beatings…unrelenting violence…unceasing pain. I shouldn't stay, but this is my husband…promised forever. He says I deserve it…maybe I do… if I could just be good. I feel so all alone…doesn't God hear me when I cry out silently as I lie in bed each night?

Finally came the release, the realization. It's not me…it's him…I am worthy of love, God's and man's. One spring morning, my heart filled with hope and with fear now only of starting over on my own. And so I again walked…down the hallway of our apartment building…never again to be silent…never again to live with that kind of violence, to suffer that kind of pain.

A battered wife…

Domestic violence

Domestic violence is any kind of behavior that a person uses to control an intimate partner. It includes physical, sexual, psychological, verbal, and economic abuse. It includes battering, name-calling, insults, threats to kill or harm one's partner or children, destruction of property, marital rape, and forced sterilization or abortion. It occurs in every community.

Domestic violence is often shrouded in silence. People outside hesitate to interfere, even when they suspect abuse is occurring. Even extended family hesitates often to protect the abuser or the family name.

Why do men batter.

Domestic violence is learned behavior. Men who batter learn to abuse through observation, experience, and reinforcement. They believe they have a right to use violence; they also feel rewarded. Their behavior gives them power and control over their partners.

Abusive men come from all economic classes, races, religions, and occupations. The batterer may be a "good provider" and a respected member of his church and community. While there is no one type, men who abuse share some common characteristics. They tend to be jealous, possessive, and easily angered. Abusive men deny that the abuse is happening or they minimize it. They blame their behavior on someone or something other than themselves. They tell their partner, "You made me do it."

Many abusive men hold a view of women as inferior. Many believe that men are meant to dominate and control women.

Alcohol and drugs are often associated with domestic violence, but they do not cause it. An abusive man who drinks or uses drugs has two distinct problems: substance abuse and violence.

Why women stay

Women stay with men who abuse them primarily out of fear. Some fear they will lose their children. Some believe they cannot support themselves or their children if they leave. Some fear that they will be more severely abused if they leave. They often are.

When the first violent act occurs, the woman is likely to be incredulous. She believes her abuser when he apologizes and promises it will never happen again. When it does-repeatedly-many women believe that if they just act differently they can stop the abuse. They may be ashamed to admit that the man they love is terrorizing them. Some cannot admit or realize that they are battered women. Most have endured trauma.

If in immediate danger call 911.

Both victims and abusers can call Catholic Charities (302-655-9624) or Child, Inc (302-762-8989) for help. 

Adapted from "When I Call for Help" A Pastoral Letter of the U.S. Bishops.  Click here to go to the U.S. Bishops web page on Violence.